Final Reality X
by Onionbreath002
Summary: Final Fantasy X retold, only this time, the characters have a sense of reality, so they actually react to situations like real people. 'tis a satirical work poking fun at RPGs and all. Rated for heaven forbid, language.
1. An Unfortunate Meeting

Charlie: Hello folks of the Final Fantasy Section. I haven't seen y'all ever since them bastards took down FF training camp . er… okay anyways. I got a funny idea for a fic at lunch today, and I figure I'd give it a shot to see how it goes.

Just a few things though, all the characters in FFX are gonna be given different names, but their roles are basically the same.

**Tidus: Patric**

**Yuna: Yvonne**

**Wakka: Dennis**

**Lulu: Jessica**

**Rikku: Audrey**

**Auron: Chris**

**Kimahri: Charlie**

Yes…they have the same roles and powers, but they actually have a sense of reality. So they think that the entire "journey" and all the cloisters of trials and puzzles are just retarded. This is a satirical work poking fun at RPGs and stuffs. So hope you guys have fun.

* * *

Patric walked through the ruins in the stranged new land. He wondered if it was all a sick dream that he could wake up from at any moment. As he moved into the center of the structure, a devastated room resembling a shrine welcomed him. Shivering at the freakishly cold temperature within the room, he moved towards the center. 

"Wow…" He said as he arrived. "A conveniently placed campfire, without the fire. Oh joy, oh rapture. What the freaking heck am I supposed to do now!"

Looking around, for he was truly cold, he attempted to find something, anything that could get the fire started again. Looking ahead of him, he saw a bunch of flowers, but they were placed in a way so that the water had soaked them through…useless. So he turned and headed towards the many branches that lead away from the central chamber.

Arriving at one branch, he found some flint, perfectly shaped for starting a fire, placed in a wooden box, which was amazing still intact, while everything around it looked as if it were either smashed or fell a thousand feet.

Shrugging, Patric picked up the flint and continued his search. He moved in and out of corridors, searching for anything to use as fuel for the fire. It was only until he had gotten to the corridor on the exact opposite side of the flint did he find some dried flowers that were, interesting enough, just lying there, as if it was waiting for him to go get it.

After gathering both items, Patric returned to the center, and began work on the fireplace that just happened to be there in a perfect arrangement at the dead center of the dome with smoke still rising from a recently burning campfire. It seemed a bit too convenient to Patric.

But a while later, the warmth of the heat got to him and Patric fell into a deep slumber. Hours later, he woke up to find the fire going out on him.

"Oh great…" Patric thought out loud. "Ain't this just perfect? Now I gotta go find more wood…"

Just then, he heard a strange noise that sounded like metal rods clanging on a metal surface. As he looked up, he found the world's ugliest spider hanging from the roof.

"Holy shit, what the hell is THAT thing?" He yelled as the spider moved in a circle around him and jumped off to attack him.

Patric immediately pulled out his sword from, well, he didn't exactly know how it worked, but just that it just appeared when he needed to use it. Kinda creepy if he actually thought about it, but he didn't so it didn't bug him.

For the next few minutes, Patric and the spider continuously took turns hitting each other. To Patric, the entire practice seemed stupid. Hit, get hit, then hit again, wee! Oh yeah, he was having loads of fun.

Then just as he was feeling a bit overwhelmed, the entire section of the wall blew in and people dressed in really retarded wetsuits stormed in with what seemed like egg beaters stuck to a plastic children's toy. The shortest one of them stepped in next to Patric and got into a really retarded stance.

"Uhh, so who are you?" Patric asked the newcomer.

The newcomer looked at him, and decided to ignore him. Instead, she, or so Patric assumed because of her long blonde hair and accentuated…chest area, pulled out a grenade and proceeded to bomb the hell out of the spider. Patric watched the hideous beast get swallowed up by the flames and then nearly choked to see it still alive. But then after thinking about it a little, it made sense. After all, if it survived twenty or so blunt hits to the head with a really big sword, why would a little fire hurt it?

Well, after say thirty more minutes of mindless smacking back and forth, the spider just suddenly decided to die. Patric noted with surprise that a grenade suddenly popped out from the spider's carcass. Wondering how that was physically possible, he picked the explosive up and turned towards the freaky power rangers who had blasted their way in.

"Uhh…soo…who are you guys again?"

Someone spoke in a weirdish language and a few others began smacking him with their guns.

"Ow! Hey, quit it!"

The people were laughing now and pointing their guns at him. Then, the girl who had fought with him said something Patric assumed to be "stop." The men immediately pulled back their guns. Then the girl leaned in, close enough so that Patric could smell her hair.

"Whoa there… I just met you and I don't think it's appropriate to do this on a first date now…"

But before he knew it, the girl said another word that sounded like "Kunno" or "Cunno" or whatever the hell she pronounced it. Then she hit him hard in the sweet spot. Patric felt a sharp pain beyond anything he's known and then blacked out.

* * *

When Patric woke up again, he was on a deck of a really weird looking ship that was overloaded with search lights, most of which were pointed in completely random directions and was probably only useful for telling people that a bunch of idiots were out at sea. Patric hoped that the vessel he was on wasn't at war with anyone, because it stuck out like a sore thumb.

He was alone on the deck, but since the ship was moving somewhere with a speed faster than the current, he assumed someone was actually driving the thing. In time though, he became really hungry and nobody has shown up yet. He found it interesting that they didn't tie him up, and since this awkward piece of contraption had a ton machinery on deck, Patric considered destroying the better half of it and hoped that it would kill the bastards just as he starved to death.

But then he felt a shark kick to his head and found that girl from before with a tray of food. Abandoning all pretenses because he was really freaking hungry, Patric lunged for the tray and gulfed it down, even though he didn't have any utensils and the food looked like a bunch of stickers on a tray, that didn't even resemble anything. Presently, he found himself choking on the crud that he was wolfing down. So he grabbed the girl's canteen, much to her surprise.

After he finished drinking, he wiped his mouth and handed back the canteen. Then he looked at the girl.

"Okay, so who are you again? Oh wait, nevermind, you don't speak the language."

The girl rolled her eyes and said. "The name's Audrey you freaking prick."

Patric was taken by surprise at her response. "Wow, you actually understand and speak my language!"

The girl looked and sounded irritated at his response. "No shit Sherlock!"

"Hey!" Patric said, disgruntled. "You bust in, speak some funky code language, kick me in the crotch and starve me half to death. Am I supposed to assume you just KNOW the language? Or even HUMAN for that matter!"

Audrey went up and slapped Patric across the face. "How dare you talk to a lady like that!"

Patric rubbed his face and grumbled, but he just sat there. There was no point in talking to her anymore.

Audrey cleared her throat and continued. "Well, anyways…I talked those deadbeats in the back and they agreed to let you stay, as long as you work."

Patric rolled his eyes. "Oh whoop-de-freaking-doo, now I get to be slave labor instead of shark bait. Look how HAPPY I am."

"…We could always use you as shark bait if you prefer." Audrey said, not amused by his sarcasm.

Patric sighed. "Oh all right." He mumbled. "What fun job do I have to do?"

* * *

Charlie: I swear, if I was Tidus, I wouldn't be "Hello there, what is your name?" At the beginning. I'd be "WTF YOU B! WHY'D YOU DO THAT!" 

Well, anyways, hope you get a few cheap laughs from this. I'll have the character list at the beginning of every chapter, so you won't get confused.

Well anyways, Review please and don't hesitate to have me change a few things if you want me to.


	2. Laws of Physics No Longer Apply

Charlie: Well…err, yeah, nothing much to say. Second chapter…just poor poor Patric.

**Tidus: Patric**

**Yuna: Yvonne**

**Wakka: Dennis**

**Lulu: Jessica**

**Rikku: Audrey**

**Auron: Chris**

**Kimahri: Charlie**

I don't own Final Fantasy X yeah. I have this idea for like after a few chapters I do a funny break where the characters insult something else instead of being insulted, but we'll see. Oh and sorry about my extreme slowness, but I'm currently trying to piss off the entire Fire Emblem section, err…yeah ; Heh, anyways. After this Chapter, I'll be gone for a week in London with my school's Wind Ensemble. So I guess I'll be seeing you guys in a week or two. And I'm sorry for the syntax, but really needs to fix quickedit.

* * *

"Okay cool!" Audrey was saying. "We found this huge wreck down there, and we need you to salvage it for us.

"Wait a minute…" Patric was saying. "You want me…to go down…there?" He asked, making very obvious hand gestures towards the murky depth.

"Right…down there." Audrey nodded.

"So…how the hell am I supposed to breathe?" Patric asked.

"Hold your breath or something!" Audrey said. "I'm coming down with you."

"…Look, Audrey…I don't really know what you're smoking right now, because unless it only takes us like five minutes to get everything done, there's no way we can hold our breaths that long." Patric reasoned.

"Yes we can." Audrey said defiantly, and then she pushed Patric into the water. "Oxygen is for sissies! Haven't you heard that before?"

"I'm not from around here…" Patric muttered, his thoughts flashing back to that moron Chris.

* * *

_Chris had grabbed him by the collar, pushing up towards the spinning vortex of DOOM! …or so Patric thought it was._

"_The hell are you doing!" He screamed frantically. "KILLING ME!"_

"…_no…" was Chris' simple reply. "This is your story…"_

_Patric thought that Chris had finally gone off the deep end. _

"_Uhh…you're failing at being bad ass to me if that's your goal right now…"_

_Chris sighed and shook his head before tossing Patric into the vortex of doom.

* * *

_

Patric was amazed that his body could sustain itself underwater without him needing to breath in this brand new world. As he swam through the water, he began doing a series of stunts and flips before Audrey's voice brought him back to reality.

"Hey moron!" She yelled at him from the surface. "Come on before I have one of the boys upstairs shoot you!"

Patric grumbled and followed Audrey. Since they still couldn't talk underwater, Audrey pointed to a huge chain that was leading to an underwater structure.

Patric and Audrey followed the chain into the structure. Once inside, they were immediately ambushed by a few piranhas. Patric immediately pulled out his huge ass sword that kinda seems to just materialize out of nowhere. Patric immediately swam over and slashed at the annoying fish.

To his surprise and amazement, the sword made a little scratch on the tiny fish, but not much. He stared down at his humongous sharp blade in disgust. The thing was practically useless.

Audrey took the situation in calmly as if she knew Patric's blade wouldn't kill the fish. Quickly, she swam over the annoying piranhas and grabbed a grenade from the pesky fish before neutralizing the frisky thing with it.

All Patric could do was gape and wonder how Audrey stole a freaking grenade from a fish. However, not one to dwell on thoughts long, he soon found himself following Audrey into the abandoned building. Once inside, the duo found, not to their surprise, that the door was locked, sealed and in all ways impossible to open without a quarter stick of dynamite. Patric threw up his hands and grinned at Audrey, hoping to make the young girl feel foolish.

Audrey, not one to give up so easily, stared Patric straight in the eyes and pointed to a rusted old control panel. Patric caught the girl's gaze and stared at the lifeless piece of junk she was pointing at .

'She's kidding right?' His mind screamed.

Seeing that her friend wouldn't budge, Audrey made a few menacing gestures with her spiky gloves. Patric, not wanting to fight now, sighed and went over to the panel. He stared at the lifeless thing and the indecipherable text, wondering what to do. Finding no other options, he went with the old fashioned technique. Rolling his hands into fists, he pounded the hunk of junk over and over again, musing at the stupidity of it all.

Then, much to his ego's dismay, the doorway in front of the two slid open effortlessly. Audrey let loose a stream of bubbles in delight and swam in. Patric sighed and followed, wondering what other wonderful thing would happen next. As soon as he entered the doorway, he was rewarded by a piranha bite to the legs. Swiping backwards, the man managed to get the pesky fish to let go.

Audrey found her backup bogged down by fishes again and sighed.

'Men are so useless these days…' She thought before lobbing another grenade.

The explosive killed the fish instantly and took off a few hairs from Patric's head. The man gave Audrey a death glare before following her into the center of the ruin. Inside the center was a huge reactor for god knows what. Once again, Audrey menaced with her gloves and pointed at the reactor. Patric sighed again and went into the reactor, wondering what possible good he can do at blindly jabbing everything that looks remotely like a button.

Presently, he found something labeled "on." He decided to push it. In retrospect, he realized that he really shouldn't have pushed the thing while he was inside the reactor bars. But in retrospect, he wondered why the people would have an on button where the person who pushes it would be fried instantly anyways. After barely escaping with his life, Audrey smiled at him and motioned him towards the exit. Patric let out a stream of bubbles in relief and began to follow the girl out of the center.

Just as he thought he was about to reach the open sea and back to the deck of the boat, a gigantical squid appears and knocks the wind out of the poor man. After catching his breath, Patric stared at the squid in blind fury.

'Always!' He thought angrily. 'There is AlWAYS a freaking catch. Why the hell can't this be simple?'

He quickly drew his sword and prepared to slice that thing into bite sized pieces. The squid was no pushover. After miraculously surviving dozens of scratches and even more grenade blasts, the squid still pummeled the duo while Patric was beginning to feel tired. Then, pushing all his strength into one final blow, he heaved his sword into the squid, expecting to be knocked into the wall by a tentacle. Amazingly, the squid shuddered, and died instantly, his body dissolving into millions of glowing dust things.

Patric stared at the dissolving remains. He wondered how the squid was still hitting at full strength even on the verge of death, but as he thought, Audrey did the same as well, so he concluded that in this world, it was either "Alive and kicking" or "dead." There was no middle ground. He sighed, it was going to be a long…LONG time before he got used to this.

When the two finally reached the surface, Patric grabbed a blanket and curled up in a corner as he watched the people on board scurry about frantically. Soon he drifted into a blissful sleep.

It was a while before he woke up. The excitement had died down and half the crew went below the deck again. Patric got up and moved over to the railing to look out at the endless expanse. A bit later, he felt another presence.

"It's amazing, we found an entire fortress down there. I think we can excavate soon and get to the real goods." She blabbered on excitedly.

Patric smiled and nodded politely, but he wasn't really paying attention. He was focused on getting back home. Just then he felt a prod on his shoulder.

"Say," Audrey asked, poking him. "What do you do for a living before you washed up here?"

Patric looked at her and said proudly. "I played blitzball."

Audrey lighted up. "Really? What team?"

Patric didn't need an invitation. "The Zanarkand Abes!"

He was surprised to see Audrey stare at him as if he were crazy.

"Are you on crack?" She asked.

"WHAT!"

"Zanarkand's gone." Audrey explained. "It's been destroyed for a thousand years."

Patric stared at her in disbelief. "…umm…uhh…but…I…was…and…umm…huge…fin…creature…blah…" He jabbered.

Audrey pulled various words from his garbled speech and managed to connect "huge fin creature" with what she called Sin. She quickly deduced that he had been poisoned by Sin's toxin.

"I know!" She said, sounding like a doctor. "We'll take you to Luca! There, you can maybe find someone who recognizes you?"

Patric was sure that Audrey was the one on crack, not him. For one thing, his memory was perfect. He remembers just about everything that happened since that horrible attack by that but ugly creature. Second of all, if he got transported 1000 years into the future, the obviously nobody is going to recognize him. He was just about to point this out when the boat lurched from numerous geysers in the water. Almost immediately, he was swept overboard into a whirlpool while everyone else stayed perfectly steady on the boat, and miraculously, nobody else seemingly even got wet. As he sank into the whirlpool, he knew that someone, something was out to get him. Before he sank into unconsciousness, he had but one phrase to say…

"…Somebody…out there, hates me."

With that, he sank into a dreamless sleep, not knowing if he was dead, or merely unconscious.

* * *

Charlie: Yeah, I thought the game dialogue was unrealistic, and the fact that an ancient door would open just by getting pounded, so I took a few liberties. Well, thanks to everyone who reviewed, and if you have any objections, let me know. Well, keep reading and reviewing (I hope). See ya in a few weeks. I bring inspiration from London. 


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